“Just be yourself!” This is probably the most common form of advice given to the current generation. While this may be good advice in theory, sometimes it’s not easy knowing what it means to be “me.” Is it okay to show my anxiety? My insecurities? What if being me is completely contrary to what people expect? What if I don’t even know who me is? If these thoughts sound familiar, don’t worry you are not alone. We live in a society plagued by anxiety, depression, and self-doubt, all of which can stem from a weak sense of “me-ness.” However, there is hope because a genuine sense of self can be developed and nurtured. If you decide to do it, it will be the easiest and hardest thing you have ever done.
Where does the sense of self come from?
Science would say that our sense of self comes from combination of nature and nurture, meaning genetic and environmental factors. This means that part of it was determined before birth and the rest depends on your culture, experiences, and physical environment during the course of your life. There is debate over how much one influences versus the other; however, there is a general consensus that both play a role in making you, you. Since there is not much one can change as far as genetics go, this post will focus mostly on the cultural and environmental factors involved in identity.
Where it all begins
Enculturation. No matter where you live, functioning in a community means learning rules, customs, and ideas of self and other. Parents, whoever raised you, or spent the most time with you, likely had the most significant impact when it comes to enculturation. In other words, teaching you about the world from their cultural perspective. The second wave of conditioning and learning comes when we start to interact with the world more independently from our parents or caretakers. This would be our friends, our education, our work, and our other experiences outside of a family system. As we interact with others we bring what we have learned from our family and visa versa. In this phase we either adopt new ideas or stick to the ones we have been taught. Stated simply, this is how the foundation of how we view ourselves and the the world is formed and how we pass culture and knowledge down through generations.
The problem
Abiding to how everyone wants us to be, how we “should” be, or how the dominant culture expects us to be, can make it very confusing and difficult to establish a strong sense self. This is especially true because of how much we seek acceptance of others and weigh our self-worth on their approval. To hide from the pain of rejection we hide our quirks, weird thoughts, and individuality behind a blanket of normality or conformity. This deception allows us to squeak by without rejection for who we really are, but we end up rejecting ourselves. Examples of this are pursuing what your parents wanted you to pursue or not feeling comfortable expressing how you feel about something because its not accepted by society. These are stories of going against what felt right for us to please or cushion how others would perceive or treat us.
The Attack on Self
Because of this imposed system, we sometimes view ourselves as victims. Victims of our environment, our family, our government, our jobs, etc. And while real abuse does exist, we also play a role in our own victimization. Every moment we have an opportunity to make a choice about what we believe and how we are going to perceive ourselves and the world. Our experiences provide context and understanding of what exists, but they do not define who we are. What defines us is how we interpret these experiences and what conclusions we draw from them. In this way, we decide how we define ourselves. The problem comes when an experience or idea undermines us and is accepted as truth. This usually creates shame around our own image, particularly around the aspect of ourselves that was hurt. Imagine this happening hundreds if not thousands of times over the course of your life, some deeper and more intense than others. Without self-reflection, one could end up rejecting and shaming so many parts of themselves that they feel anxious, depressed, and disempowered.
What is the Solution?
The remedy for not understanding yourself, not feeling yourself, and rejecting yourself is gentleness and a willingness to feel your feelings. I know this sounds simple and it is! It is also very difficult, because it means we have to face some things we are ashamed of in ourselves. Unfortunately, we are not taught how to be kind to ourselves or how to deal with hurt and emotions, so our usual response to strong feelings of hurt is usually to reject them or suppress them in some way. By allowing ourselves to open our hearts to ourselves we can start to embrace all of the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings within us, resulting in a greater sense of self-ease and understanding of who we really are.
How Do I Accept Myself?
I think the process is a little bit different for every person, but the most important process in any path of self-acceptance is developing a practice of self-awareness. What I mean by this is finding a way to pay attention to your thoughts and emotions, and eventually where they are coming from. Meditation is a great way to practice this, but it is not the only way to do it. You can develop a practice of checking in a few times a day to see what you are thinking and feeling. Over time this can help to establish an understanding of how you think and feel. You might start to notice that some of your reactions to people and situations create anxiety, stress, or worsen situations, while others make you feel good and/or improve situations. Once you start to notice trends of your reactions and how they make you feel, you can start to investigate why they make you feel that way. This is the turning point for self-understanding and acceptance. As you begin to notice how you feel, you may realize that your beliefs and emotional pain often influence or controls how you react to yourself and your environment. You then have a choice to continue this way or move through these feelings and beliefs. By moving through, you open the opportunity for acceptance of hurt parts of yourself and begin the process of reclaiming your individuality and “you-ness.”
Conclusion
This process is both easy and difficult. It’s easy because as you start this process you will start to feel more at ease within yourself and a fullness of life that was not present before. It is difficult, because it is scary to face our fears and insecurities, usually a first response is to run from pain and fear, but the opposite is true if you want to find yourself. There is no right or wrong way to do this process. As long as you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings, you will begin to unwind the conditioning accumulated throughout your life. While our parents and culture determine what we are exposed to in life, with the right tools we can decide how we evaluate ourselves, others, and the world. Every moment and every day we all have an opportunity to discover ourselves and experience life more fully, so why not do it.
Be gentle with yourself. Seek your truth and take time for you. Thank you for reading my blog. If you would like to see more of my content, check out my Instagram, YouTube channel, and other blog posts. If reach you would like to reach out to me you can e-mail or direct message me on Instagram. If you would like to see the services I offer check out my services page. And if you would like to donate or support me you can choose a one-time donation or monthly subscription at my PayPal or Patreon.
Hayden Moreau 